I just realized that it has been a year since I’ve sat down and written (here, at least). I was reminded because my subscription just billed and I almost choked on the fact that it wasn’t supposed to and I wasn’t planning on it…
I realized what a horrendous year this year has been even compared to the last few. And I’ve decided I need to try to get a handle back on my life. Every time I threaten to do that, something happens and everything goes tits up and I have to struggle to dig myself out of depression again…. BUT… eventually it has to stop getting worse, right? Yeah… we will go with that.
In the last year I’ve gotten the city called on me multiple times because… well… because… and that all started when I put up my coexist flag and my rainbow flag… and my as above so below. Can’t tell me there isn’t a correlation there. I have had the city planner at my house multiple times. I have had the dog catcher at my house. I have had the APL at my house. I have had to take hopeless cases that I adopted (knowing they were hopeless cases but everyone deserves a home) to the crematorium. We had to have our big beautiful brindle boy put to sleep because the emergency vet told us that something happened to his spinal cord and he was not going to make it. We had to put Bear’s pug to sleep two weeks ago because the people who took him and put him in foster care put him in a place that added 25% of his body weight to a body that we knew had back problems and he went from being perfectly fine on Saturday at the vet’s office to not being able to walk and SCREAMING in pain (two emergency vet appointments and a regular vet appointment later… $$$$$). My vet said we could throw 10 to 15 thousand dollars at him if we were REALLY quick about it but the rate at which he was declining the money would be to make us feel better and he was still going to be suffering because mega doses of pain meds were doing nothing for him.
This year I have learned that I really don’t like people very much right now, I do love my dogs (that I finally got back after 3 months) and I really really really need to set boundaries better.
So, here I am… I gave up caring very much about myself (starting with Bear getting on hospice and right up until now)… I gained half the weight back that I lost. I need to stop giving up and starting getting my shit together.
So here I am. Accountability… getting my shit together.
I kind of wonder if there is anyone left around who cares. I kind of wonder a lot of things. But… right now… I’m willing to start trying again.
So… my today…
The front yard is raked to the tree lawn. My leaves are not on the street but all contained on the tree lawn.
Five doggoes are playing in the sunny back yard.
I’ve managed to screw up a loaf of bread in the bread machine… why are they not getting done in the middle???…
Last day of on call for like 4 weeks (yay).
Only three more days of in the office (oh yeah… had to start going back into the office twice a week because we all know that covid and the flu are totally not a thing any more and HR knows best) before Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving is liable to suck (oven doesn’t work… no turkey… maybe Denny’s this year… maybe Bob Evans… here’s hoping for a gift card to magically show up… ) and probably will for the foreseeable future.
But… right now I’m trying to remember that the world is listening and I live in a magical household… and so… 1. gratitude
a. coffee
b. dogs
c. a beautiful sunny day
2… in the words of Mr Rogers…
“There are three ways to ultimate success:
The first way is to be kind.
The second way is to be kind.
The third way is to be kind.”
SO…. Here I am… trying to fight my way back. Bupropion… Arava… Vitamin D…. and coffee… is there anyone out there that still cares?
AprilJoy
11/12/2023
